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| i lose it all |
| 04.12.05 (1:20 am) [edit] |
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The whole world is crumbling down. For 19 years and 4 mths that i live, today will be the greatest hurt that i ever felt. The depth of pain caused will never be healed. Forever a thorn, forever a scar, forever a fear.. i lose the will to live.
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| meaningless life |
| 04.08.05 (1:50 am) [edit] |
hi, im back! Long time nv blog. Stupid attachment lah. Lucky hell is over. A new phase of life is coming. Just feel that i unloaded a huge burden off my shoulder and i know a bigger one will be coming. Will miss my poly life. So this few months i will be rotting. Rot and roll on my bed!! hahah...
When i come to this point in life, i realise there's so many major decisions u have to make. And it's those type u can't afford to decide wrongly or else u'll regret and your whole life will be adversly affected. Seriously, i'm not very prepared to go uni but i know i will regret if i miss this chance. I think some of my friends are very envious of me. To me, there's nothing much to be envious about. So what if i'm getting a degree? Can it gurantee my rice bowl? Another big headache is the school fees? Think next time i graduate i will pay back until i vomit blood!!! Including my poly school fees, i have to return back $30000!!! Somemore, i dunno if i can cope with school work or not coz i definitely must work and study at the same time. I think this upcoming three years it's going to be hell for me also. Scared sia. Get degree die, don't get degree also die. But i know not getting a degree will lead u to a more horrible death. Arughh... stressed sia...
Hope that my dar will understand me, be there for me during the upcoming tough years. I know it's going to be real tough for me. Life is full of obstacles, it just depends how we overcome them. After this major obstacle is over, another obstacle is awaiting me. Will i be able to find a good job? My greatest wish is to get a good degree, get a good job, get a good pay, get a good hubby... Will all these come true??? When will it come true? And if really i get all these, will i be satisfied? Right now, i still have these goals to strive towards but sometimes i'm thinking, what if i get all these, what more do i want? will life be meaningless for me? Sometimes, i'm thinking, I spend one third of my life to get a degree, then for the rest of my life, i will be the slave of money. Sometimes, find it quite sad. Life is just like that. Just like that.
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| nothing can appease my anger already |
| 02.22.05 (5:59 am) [edit] |
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He's getting on my nerves! I'm just so fucking piss with him from sunday till now, over big and small things. Think he went out today, didn't tell me again. He told me before he doesn't like to report to me. What the fucking shit! I'm your girlfriend ok! I have the right to know. Why can't just tell me! I think it's one of the basic respect one should have for each other. Usually i will tell him where i go. He never asks but i will automatically willingly tell him. Because to me, my logic is that you should know what im doing now, where i am now, simply because you're my boyfriend. From now onwards, i wont treat him nice. I wont stick to him like a dog. I can't be bothered already. He hurt me too much, time and time again.
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| no time again |
| 02.15.05 (8:01 am) [edit] |
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recently me and him quite okie but today he spoil everything again. Why today have to make me cry again!! Somemore in public, i try very hard to control my tears during my conversation on the phone. Luckily after that yuying was trying very hard to console me. The "no time" shitty stuff again. It seems to me that i can't shake this thing off me. Seriously, im so fucking sick of it! Whenever i cry, i will think of all the bad things besides the main issue.. Thinking why he never buy anything for me on v.day, why he always find fault with me, why he don't appreciate me, It's like no matter what i do it's not good enough. He really doesn't know how to go and love anyone.
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| toothache toothache |
| 02.05.05 (6:30 am) [edit] |
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went on a shopping spree with shanny, but im e only one who bought things :( Spent around $200. I really spend money like water, especially on clothes. But today besides clothes, i spent on other stuff too. Feel so shiok to buy so many things!! Long time never went Heeren and i discovered a shop called "am/pm". I really love their clothes, it's even better than ebase. I know i will definitely patronise there very often so i made a membership card. Hahaah, this shop will be my substitute for ebase. Recently, i'm so sick of taking so much medication. Having wisdom tooth is no joke man. Cost me so much pain and money. Shanny taught me something which she discovered herself. She said if u have hiccup, take 8 sips of water before the next hiccup, it will stop. I had it twice today so i tried this method and wow~~ it really work!! Hahahaha, so amazing... Hmm, i have 3 more days of MC. Really don wan it to end. I don wanna go back to hell :( There's so little time and so many things to do. Have to finish up the projects, have to go apply for uni. Im still dragging the application coz i hate to think of it. It's so scary having to decide on something so important. How i wish i can be a kid forever...
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| why again? |
| 02.01.05 (8:08 am) [edit] |
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All along during the conversation, i've been crying silently. Once again, he thrusts a sword into my heart. Why do i have to be hurt everytime? I dunno is it because of my toothache or what, this is one very unique situation, my reaction is a bit different. I don't wanna aruge anymore coz im numb this time. i know in the end our relationship won't work out. It's really just a matter of time to let go. I dunno how many upteen times i mention that i wanna let go, i wonder when will this actual day come. As this particular person tell me, letting go is not easy but it's not impossible. I really admire him for his courage. It took him 5mths to forget that girl. How long will i take? He can do it why can't i? If i know it's' going to be so painful, i rather not know him at all. Why wanna play this trick on me? Is it my retribution? I love him so much and this is what i get. I don't want to be in agony anymore. I don't want to wake up in the morning with swollen eyes anymore. I swear throughout my life i never experienced so much emotion pain before. I think after him, I won't dare to love again. It's too painful for me.
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| 没有感觉 |
| 01.14.05 (8:04 am) [edit] |
爱的太深人会醉， 的太深心会碎。 个人的心已经彼此 慢慢分开，以前无 心有多痛我都会 持下去，但是现在 我觉得分手才是最 的办法。我现在 的是这么想。
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| jealousy |
| 01.09.05 (6:17 am) [edit] |
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im jealous! not jealous of another gal but jealous about the things he likes doing. I think he enjoys performing than spending his time with me. I also feel that he loves his band and music more than me. I know as a girlfriend i should be supportive in whatever he does. I dunno, i really dunno. Thinking of the the past, when we just started, he will still ask me over the phone if i did miss him. But now, he never ask and when i tell him i miss him, he say he don't miss me. I wanna ask if any gal out there can accept this? This so called "360 degree turn". It's sad but i still gotta take it. He may be in a joking manner but i still don't like it. That pisses me off! Forget it, that's the past, no point broading over it. I feel that i don't need to take things serious coz he won't appreciate anyway. Why the hell did i end up like this? Really regretted taking the first step. I hope that i can find other things to divert my attention to coz he ain't worth my time. Thinking about those countless nights that i cried, make me feel like weeping again now. My life is just so farked up..
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| happy new year |
| 01.01.05 (2:10 am) [edit] |
hi, im back.. sudden urge to blog. Yesterday had a big fight with my father. And today, he's still giving me the fucking face. Still ask me to "fuck off" over a small matter. Damn, i feel like using my cup to smash on his fucking head.. arughhh!! violent right? hahahaah....
But yesterday i was so pissed off that i cried. Haiz, everything is just a small matter and my father wanna blow it up. Then, this leads me to think of many other stuff and i felt so helpless. It's like i cant offend him because he is my financial support and he gives me a roof over my head. I wanna get away from this house but i can't. Who can i turn to? Nobody. I have never hated anyone to this extend, i swear i will get back at him one day. You can say im unfillial. This is just because u don't understand my situation. All these i kept to myself.
So im feeling very down last night and it's the last day of the year. Of course, i miss my dar alot. But sad to say that i can't even hear his voice. He's too busy with work. I don't blame him but my heart really aches to see him work until so late. Let's hope he can call me tonight. It's the first day of the brand new year.
[u]Hmm, a recollection of 2004:[/u]
Basically, the whole year sux. Had many ups n downs in my relationship. Think i cried the most this year. The worst thing of 2004 is having my attachment in Sheraton Towers. It's nightmare of the nightmare. I have never being so xin ku in my life ever.
Then for good stuff, im quite satisfied with myself because i'm about to complete my poly. Got some sense of acheivement lor. But the greatest thing of 2004 is knowing him and becoming his dar dar. I really found someone that i like so much. Some of u who are close to me might know that i won't go and like a guy so much and even if i like, i may lost touch soon. That's why in the past my longest relationship is only 3months. But this time round, im serious. He's that guy i want. Though he's not treating me very nice or maybe he doesn't love me very much, but i still love him with all my heart. And im glad that i found him...
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| tired... soooooooooooo tired.... |
| 11.29.04 (11:43 pm) [edit] |
Why hold my heart when you intend to let go easily? This is a good question that i wanna ask him. Recently, i'm more or less used it. To me, having a bf and not having one doesn't make much difference. Sometimes, i don't like his way of doing things and i don't like the way he talk to me. But nevermind, i don't give a damn.
Now, my everyday life is so dreadful. I really hate to work in Sheraton Towers. Waking up at 5.30am is just so tiring. I have never being so tired in my life. Normally, when it comes to work, i thought that i'm quite tough and may be able to handle everything as long i have the determination. I'm totally wrong. Though i remain open-minded and trying to see things on the positive side, i can't overcome my body. It seems like the worse thing in my life is to stand for 8 hours wearing high heels. It's nearly 3 weeks and i can't get used to it. My legs are still aching everywhere and it's full of blisters. I have to put on 3 plasters on my feet everyday. During work, my legs always become so weak that causes me to lose strength in doing anything. I can't even walk properly, every step i made i can feel the pain. Arughhh.... working there is the worst nightmare!!!
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| letting go |
| 11.24.04 (6:04 am) [edit] |
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The things that i want are very simple and yet he couldn't give it to me. I can't straight away leave him, all i can do is to slowly let go.
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| Infatuation VS Love |
| 11.13.04 (5:34 pm) [edit] |
[i]Infatuation is instant desire - one set of glands calling to another.
Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.
Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by their presence, even when they are away.
Miles do not separate you. You have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know they are yours, and you can wait.
Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing them."
Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together, you hope it will end in intimacy.
Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship, which makes sex so much sweeter.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When they're away, you wonder if they're cheating. Sometimes, you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. They feel your trust, and it makes them even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never steers you in the wrong direction.[/i]
I guess im severely infatuated by him, should learn to let go and change my mindset.
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| what love is all about? |
| 11.13.04 (5:28 pm) [edit] |
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When you love someone, don't expect that person to love you back the same amount. One of you will be ahead, the other behind. It's either you catch up or the other waits. When you love, you must not accept anything in return, for if you do, you're not loving but investing. If you love, you must prepare to accept pain but if you expect happiness, you're not loving but using...
True love hears what is not spoken, and understands what is not explained, for love doesn't work in the mouth, nor the mind, but in the heart...
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| Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met |
| 11.13.04 (4:49 am) [edit] |
"nothing is eternal, not to mention love"
today i learnt many quotes from a taiwanese drama. Didn't want to think about all the sad stuff today so i went out. I watched "the forgotten", it was a bloody shit movie. The beginning and middle was quite good but the ending was so lame. I was shocked twice and jumped from my seat, don't think it's very boring but my friend fell asleep in the middle of the show. I'm feeling happier when im outside enjoying myself and no need to think of him. If i lock myself at home, i will go crazy. I'm suffering from this illness called AD. "angel's depression" hahahah.. There is no medication for this illness, no known cure other than time. Maybe someday I'll get back my heart; maybe someday I'll get back my pride. Anyway, wanna put him aside and shift my attention to other things. Whatever it may be, i just want to walk out of his shadows. Since i can't be his everything, he won't be mine too.
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| broken |
| 11.12.04 (5:20 am) [edit] |
I have to tell myself that my world does not revolve around him. Today when he told me that he has other commitment, i was quite sad. The tone he used made me feel that i'm just a nobody in his eyes. I mean, as in not really nobody, but maybe other stuff are more important than me. But i really want to tell him that, a band will not be with you till old, it is that special someone who's gonna be with you forever down the road. So simple as it is, but i think it makes no sense to him. Or maybe it makes sense to him, but im just not that special person. And i realised no matter what he's doing, working, studying or out with his friends, he seldom think of me. I really can tell by looking at his sms frequency and the amount of words in the message. But for my case, no matter what i'm doing, i will just think of him. I will have the urge to give him a message and want to know what he's doing, whether he's fine or whether he's eaten or not. Most messages come from me first and it always make me feel that im very "fan" in a way. I know that if i confront him, he will tell me he has no time. To me, all those are excuses. If i really wanna compare, it is so different from the past. Those times when we first get to know each other and we just started being together. In the past, everything was fine and i'm happy. How i wish i can return to those times.
What for if you find someone u really like? Now then i understand what does it meant by saying "It is better to be loved than to love". I remember i rejected xx is because i don't want to hurt him and i can only be with someone that i really really love, if not, the relationship won't last. I regreted my words. If i accepted him that time, would i be happier now? Maybe this is my retribution.
These few days i have been crying continuously, i never tried crying over the same stuff for 5 days. It's so damn sickening and i can't control my emotions. What the fuck! i wanna get out of this! Whoa, think this is my longest blog entry so far.
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| why things have become like this? |
| 11.09.04 (3:24 pm) [edit] |
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A wounded heart is hard to heal, or maybe it never heals. This is the first time i'm so hurt by him. I can't imagine that i totally break down in front of him. I feel that i lost all my pride. Things could never turn back and my feelings for him will never be the same again. I try not to think of it but i couldn't help it. It leaves a bad scar and it's forever there. It's like my heart has died and I lost all hopes on him. Whenever i think of it, i feel like crying. I totally lost trust and confidence in this relationship. Since i couldn't bring myself to leave him, all i can do is to live a day by a day. Just hope that my feelings will fade and someho w someday someone can save me.
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| nothing is forever |
| 11.07.04 (7:32 am) [edit] |
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i have stopped blogging for quite a period of time but today i really had no choice but to come back to this place to pour all my sorrows. Right now my tears are flowing uncontrollably, he still got the mood to sleep. He knows i'm crying and he could even fall asleep.. This time, it really mark the end for the two of us. I had tear up all the photos that he gave me, wanna forget every bits and pieces of him. Tomorrow will be a brand new day for my singlehood again...
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| :( |
| 10.12.04 (9:53 am) [edit] |
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i really hope that he can be the person i can spend the rest of my life with but he's like depriving me of this chance. I'm just very sad today... think is my pms...
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| quite true huh... |
| 10.11.04 (4:08 am) [edit] |
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to let a fool kiss you is stupid
but to let a kiss fool you is worse
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| killing time |
| 10.09.04 (5:02 am) [edit] |
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My dar dar is sick again, here i'm typing and there he's sleeping. Hope he can get well soon.. heart aching nia..
I'm so bored, has been revising nearly the whole day. Always start very early for exams because there's always so many things to study. I'm a super slow learner and always take a very long time to absorb everything. So if u ask me to study the last minute, i don't dare. Okie i shall go back to my convention management now...
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| screwed up life |
| 10.07.04 (10:15 am) [edit] |
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i often like to dream
but i know they may not come true at all
please don't take away all my hopes
at least let me live in my dreams forever?
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| exams are coming... freak!!!~~ |
| 10.04.04 (9:46 am) [edit] |
ah... very tired today. Had a wasted trip to Clementi, didn't buy anything. Baleno having a 50% discount and i went with liping and alex to shop shop around. Nothing to my liking, even the denim skirt that i used to like seems so ugly on me. Think i'm becoming fat and i don't want to accept the fact, hahah. There's a huge Basar Malum (er, dunno how to spell) there and it's very crowded. Haiz, saw liping and alex holding hands and the thing that comes to my mind is my dar dar. How i wish he can shop shop with me. I like to go basar malum and eat lots and lots of stuff.. But today i controlled, but not really control, just no mood to buy anything to eat. If my dar dar is here, that would be different, haha..
Oh ya, think today my flash test cannot make it. What the hell was that stupid animation!!! Couldn't figure it out, was quite panicky during the test. Hope the teacher can mark leniently. Exams are round the corner, i'm too lazy to start my revision, very slackkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkk ah....
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| feel like dying... |
| 10.02.04 (9:59 am) [edit] |
For nearly 5 hours, i never received a message from him. I know that im in the wrong but i think he's also at fault. I can't make him the way i want him to be. I have cried three rounds in all. My tears all dry and my voice became hoarse. Right now, i'm experiencing that kind of pain which is so unbearable. Really want a break-up but i'm afraid i don't have the courage to face the reality of being seperated from him. I dunno what to do and i'm so miserable. god help me...
What is our love to you?
Do you understand me?
Do you know how i really feel?
Are you around when i need you most?
Why did you treat me like this?
Why did you hurt me?
Are you really worth my time & tears?
No you are not worth it at all...
I will leave you one day...
I will not care about you...
I will never forgive you...
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| listening to ayumi - carols |
| 09.29.04 (11:38 am) [edit] |
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| a twist of fate.. |
| 09.26.04 (6:17 am) [edit] |
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A girl can be very devoted and committed to someone she loves but she can also be very heartless if she's keen on leaving you. She can use many excuses to initiate the break-up, and the stupid reasons she gave may not be the truth. It could be simply because she just lost her interest in you or she found someone new. I hate this stupid bitch who cheat on this guy! I advise guys out there to learn to let go. Chances that she'll turn back for you are very slim. Just treat it as a twist of fate. She's not meant to be yours. No use waiting. I know it's difficult but trust me, time heals everythng. So, get on with your life!! Gambatte! Got a nice message from this unknown person. "If at times the world seems unfair to you, don't be discouraged coz all storms come and go but if you still feel alone, just remember that i'm always around." Wah, today my head hurts a lot. Can't lie down and watch tv, must sit up.. i think i'm going to get sick soon... again :(
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I AM
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My little bearie angel
kawaii desu ka??
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